She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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