I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
