On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
My liver just broke up with me...
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
