Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
