OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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