I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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