How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
