She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
