just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
