You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
