Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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