Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
