dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
