It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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