Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
