you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
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