I'm going to jail i love you
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
