Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
