respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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