I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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