Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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