Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
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