based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
