i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
