Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
