dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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