my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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