Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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