Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
