u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize