she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
