I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
