Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
