Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I AM VODKA MAN
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
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