I wish they made helmets for livers.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize