just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize