You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
They have beer where we have blood.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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