is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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