best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
