OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
