and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
