I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
