i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
When are your genitals available?
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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