My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
