How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Randomize