I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
