So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize