I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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