Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Randomize
