The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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