Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I did not marry a roomba.
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