I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
Randomize
