Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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