so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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