I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
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