I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
