the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
