The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
