ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize