I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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