i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Randomize
