So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
