On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
