He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
