too bad you live with your parents still
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
