I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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