she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
