Don't make out with my wife yet
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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