imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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