I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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