I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize