I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
